Modern Dating is a Performance Art
Women are losing their very essence for the sake of desirability, dating is becoming a full-time job, young girls buying pumpkin perfume, love being used as money, and other horrifying revelations.
Vividly, I remember sitting on my new friend’s bed in college asking for advice about a boy I had a crush on. In rapid-fire succession, she started to name off bits of advice I remembered hearing from YouTube. It would be simple things such as wearing the color red, having pumpkin perfume, and making eye contact. Suddenly my ears perked up and I asked, “Did you used to watch Ask Kimberly?” She started squealing and the two of us laughed at our surprise childhood connection. If you grew up on a different side of the internet, Ask Kimberly was an advice YouTube channel that peaked around 2017. Kimberly herself has a PhD in psychology and branded herself as a relationship expert able to assist young girls in getting their crush to like them. Some of her most popular videos have names like “10 things Guys Find Unattractive,” “13 Ways to MAKE A GUY LIKE YOU!!,” and “How to Get a Guy to Chase You.”
She was my gateway drug; the videos that made me self-aware to the point where I realized that I could completely change myself and behavior to obtain what I desired – male attention (or just my crush to like me back). Though my patronship to her videos was short-lived, the awareness her videos had ignited grew over time. Even seven years later, college-aged girls still have her on their shoulder when picking out their outfits for the day, when they are shopping for new perfumes, and when they raise their hand in class. Very early into being a teenager, being a girl became a performance, and every boy in line, in class, and in the gym, became an unwitting audience member. To be a girl was to strike away what was undesirable, leaving slashes across your soul and paring you down to the most sanitized self. I cannot remember who I was, before I was aware that I was doing it for someone else.
I downloaded TikTok in 2019 as a freshman in high school; in some ways it was a great creative outlet for an otherwise nerdy kid, but it also was the beginning of my bodily policing. When scrolling through the FYP (or the dashboard), I would see hundreds of beautiful girls who were not only blonde, tan, toned, and gorgeous, but they were also my age. I became doubtful of my mother’s assurance that I would grow into body, and that though I felt awkward now, I will be stronger for it (she also still of course claims that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and has always tried to build my confidence). As I continued to watch the app, I saw that slowly dating advice became one of the most prevalent topics on the app. Topics ranged from seduction to silly crushes, to story-times, femininity coaches, pick-up artists, deranged/sexist male podcasts, and of course the chorus of young women declaring they will just be marrying rich. At first, the world of dating seemed glamorous; red roses lining luxury apartments in New York City, flying first class to tropical vacations, and new just-because designer bags. To a young girl who grew up in the countryside, all of those things suddenly felt in reach but only through leveraging myself.
Seduction was one of the first topics that gained traction in the TikTok dating advice community. This was due to the popularity of Robert Green’s Art of Seduction book. To seduce, in Green’s terms, is to, in some ways, manipulate others while utilizing sex appeal. Greene proposes that there are a set of archetypes in which seducers could be to manipulate their “prey.” My dashboard was overrun by people theorizing about which one fits them. Quizzes were taken and created, and people looked to Robert Greene as if he were Aphrodite herself. I believe that it was this wave, which clouded many young people’s judgements surrounding dating. Though dating advice had existed on the internet before, it had never become more accessible, and the audience had never become younger; additionally, dating and manipulation became so conflated, one seemed to not exist without the other. This phenomenon established this unhealthy approach do dating on the app, allowing it to shift from a genuine curious desire about dating, to a battlefield of power dynamics.
Recently, the podcast To Die For capitalizes on a similar fascination with the concept of seduction. Neil Strauss hosts ex-Russian spy Alii Roza as she divulges stories from working a seduction spy. Despite majority of the airtime spent on the sex trafficking abuses of the Russian government, the marketing for the podcast utilizes sexual themes to increase listenership. The previous ad was captured on Roza’s Instagram with the caption “Learn How to Seduce Anyone.” Despite Roza’s very entertaining story, the podcast still relies on her sexuality to market it; which sometime distracts from the overall theme Strauss is trying to highlight. Though most of her airtime is spent talking about the abuse happening to young women in the Russian armed forces, occasionally Roza will throw in a tid-bit about how she was able to seduce her targets. Sometimes it’s about the tone of voice, other times it’s about clothes or makeup; however, no matter what the tip is, its presence is a reminder that women are often held in the clutches of “sexy” that we develop Stockholm syndrome for it.
After listening, I went to Roza’s Instagram page in one part curious, and another skeptical. After clicking around, I found her three digital courses that she sells for $99 each. Each course makes impossible promises of improving marriages, finding a rich man, or re-seducing your partner by using “spy seduction secrets.” Though her story is captivating (and still highly criticized), the idea that anyone would pay almost $100 for a course like Sexy 101 is even more mesmerizing. I hope I am not sounding judgmental, because frankly if there if the market demand prices it that high, who am I to say lower the price. However, it does highlight that there are circles of women who have eliminated the notion of a fairytale love story and instead have created this feminine fantasy of control through sexuality.
On the other side of the coin, instead of sexy and calculated, women are taught to be feminine and submissive. TikTok’s femininity coaches have repackaged traditional gender roles, in an attempt to revive a Disney Princess like fairy-tale. Though their tactics may be different that Roza’s seduction techniques, performance is still at the forefront of the movement. Despite the claim that women tapping into their femininity is an inherent part of a relationship, the idea of looking the part, and shedding the bits of oneself that is masculine, is in the pursuit of being fake — one dimensional. The rise of these coaches is in tandem with the rise of far-right extremism in the United States; often it is this group of people who call into question women’s reproductive rights, as well as women’s value to society. Pearl Davis, a far-right internet personality, openly admits that she does not believe women have the right to vote. Women were only allowed to open a credit card exactly 50 years ago. Not only are these coaches profiting off of the same gender roles that oppressed women for an inconceivable amount of time, but to escape their own gripes with capitalism, and working, they imagine a marriage where they can re-ignite the fifties house-wife dream.
Though there is nothing wrong with the pursuit of a loving husband and family, I take issue with idea that to do this, women must rely completely on their man, as that is the feminine way to be. Unfortunately, these feminine coaches rely on the idea that these “providers” will not abuse their financial power over their girlfriends. Additionally, oftentimes to date someone in such financial standing to provide this princess lifestyle, they must be significantly older as to have the financial stability. Power dynamics aside, when women express their angry sentiments at the women who fought for our rights because now, they have to work a “9-5,” I have to remind them that those women are the ones who fought for your right to leave — your right to exist independently.
My beautiful grandmother was married at nineteen, a year younger than I am right now. When I asked her why, she told me that she did not want to move with her parents after high school, and back then the only way to escape was marriage. When she told me this, I could not fathom a world where I could not rely on myself. Right now, in western society women have much more power than we have had before. This dating advice jeopardizes that in a way so subtle we don’t even realize we are bargaining with our freedoms. I’ll leave you with this saying my grandmother told me: “If you marry rich, you’ll be paying for it with the rest of your life.” Maybe the fairytale is dead, but there is love still out there to be found — but I promise that there is no love in these coaches’ courses.
Finally, despite this piece's overall theme being the antithesis of sensationalized dating advice, here’s some of my own:
Set your boundaries
Treat yourself with respect
Love without expectation
