your confidence is killing you
it doesn't come from a bottle, a pill, or a shot. sometimes the only way out is hard-work, but that's not profitable is it?
Before I get into the rant flow state, I wanted to say thank you guys!! I hit 50 subscribers. This number was my goal back when I started this blog in July and I wanted to thank everyone who has interacted with my page. Truly the fact that there are people out there who read my writing is a crazy, and beautiful thought. Thanks for being a part of that. <3
One of the best but strangest compliments I have ever received was from a friend in college, who said, “You are so confident sometimes it intimidates me” (consider this my credientials) At the time, I truly did not understand what she meant. I thought a confident girl looked it; who strutted into parties, walked up to the hottest guy in there (but since it was college, usually just the tallest), and made out with him in front of her ex. I felt that my nature was tamer, more sanitized than the Maddy Perezes of the world (I had always related more to the S1 Cassie anyways).
The thing I think gurus and fellow college students get wrong about confidence is that it cannot be faked, practiced, or bought, it is caused by living authentically. Perhaps this is an annoying thing to hear. Most of us have been taught that anything we want can be bought with enough money — bigger boobs, better boots, and blissful beaches. It is an entirely new monster to be told that inner peace has to be fought for, hence why confidence on social media is inextricably tied to looks.
When doomscolling on TikTok the other day, I came across a video from @bellerodolfo, who gave a monologue about confidence. Her opening line is “I think we place way too much emphasis on looks when it comes to building confidence because some of you guys have not read a book in years.” When looking at the comments, I realized that this was a repost of a video that was controversial at the time of the original posting. I am always fearful and shocked by how intensely looks have burrowed their way into society. Yes, people have always loved hot people; godawful CW shows should be substantial enough proof for this. However, now it feels like the go-to advice for every person facing an internal issue is, “Go consume girl! Don’t even think about why you feel the way you do.” It is literally killing you.
I don’t believe you can be confident if you do not at LEAST like yourself, and unfortunately, it is no longer to be “cool” to like yourself. Liking yourself is a multi-faceted practice; you care for your body, mind, and soul. After taking a step onto a college campus, you will quickly realize that bragging about how little sleep one gets and how much coffee one drinks is its own Olympic sport. If felt like to me, that it was almost a bad thing to like yourself, which literally undermines confidence building. Instead, college asks you to stake your confidence in fake Greek life rankings, the people you hook up with, and how many Instagram followers you have. That may not be for everyone, but it sure as hell was for freshman year me.
The beauty industry is billions of dollars, and though we like to believe we are too smart to be marketed to, the industry itself is evolving. Our independent internal institutions are being attacked by ads telling us that confident cool girls use this perfume or hot guys wear these briefs. We are told that happiness is derived from consumption when it can only come from internal self-fulfillment.
I do not want to sit here and preach to you about the deconstruction and commodification of confidence without giving some advice. I instated the following things in my life for the last two years, and these have been turning points in my long-term happiness and fulfillment.
Have Values and FOLLOW THEM!!
To be clear, morality is a complicated subject. However, there are a few things that most people believe. Lying in most situations is wrong; murder is wrong; cheating on a partner is wrong. A true tell of unconfident people is when someone bends their values and morals for the sake of external validation. I’m sure we’ve all met, or even been this person before. Someone who can be so friendly and kind one day then switch up when surrounded by different people. True confidence is asserting your values, even when it might be unpopular, or hard. If you are feeling pulled in a lot of different directions, sit down with yourself and write down what you believe to be an idyllic person. How does this person treat others? How do they spend their time? From that description, pull some overarching themes out and write those down. That’s your starting point.
Spend Your Time Doing Things You Like
After my freshman year of college, my roommate and I sat down and had a heart-to-heart. We realized that we had abandoned a lot of our past passions in pursuit of frequent partying and the other pseudo-hobbies that come with it. Now two years later, we have found a balance of being social and doing things we love. For me, I wrote essays for fun, read fantasy books, made floral arrangements, took film photos, researched perfumes, and started weightlifting. When people, especially in college, ask what you do for fun, it is tempting to list the sport you played in high school or some other extracurricular your family forced you to do. The confidence you gain by saying something you know you ACTUALLY do is unmatched. You are ready for a follow-up question and willing to talk more about it, rather than skirting around it to more broad conversation topics. When you start to value your time and gain confidence truly, you will never want to spend a moment doing something for the sake of appearances (i.e., going to a party when running on three hours of sleep “for the plot”).
Chill With The “Glow-Ups”
It's a call-back to one of my first posts, perhaps, but it's valid nonetheless. CONFIDENCE DOES NOT COME FROM LOOKS! When people get on the internet and tell their impressionable audience anything different, it is simply them selling something. If there is anything college has taught me, looks-driven confidence is as fragile as a man’s ego. Bettering your looks might increase your everyday interactions due to pretty privilege (there is no denying that, also a new piece about pretty privilege coming out in the next week for Intersect), but will ultimately leave you unhappy, constantly vying for something better.
The reason it is so difficult to be confident when we are younger, is because we don’t have a clear grasp on our identity. We are who our parents, teachers, and peers believe us to be. However, as we transition into adulthood, this interdependent identity self-construction will leave all of us unconfident. Focus on the things you value, and the rest comes in time. As a girl who has done everything wrong at least five times over, I promise it gets better. I promise.
If you enjoyed this piece, check out my other post below!
The Get-Hot-Quick Scheme
Chief Keef, in his 2013 song “Gotta Glo Up One Day,” accidentally coined the phrase used by self-improvement, clean girl influencers for the following decade. The creation of the “glo up” is a word play on the common sentiment that you have to “grow up” one day. Keef seems to acknowledge this but instead asserts that you have to “glo up” and bloom into …